The Idiots are on De Palma Court/Transcript
(the adults are readying for the day. They enter their cars after finishing up) (intro) (the adults are present in a diner. Luther looks at Laney's plate) Luther: Is that cornbread? Laney: You're on a diet. Luther: I love cornbread. Laney: It sticks in your throat. Besides, the lord doesn't condone gluttony. Cosmo: Okay, religious overtures aside, thank you all for coming. Bob: And thank you for paying for our meals. Cosmo: Wait what? Andy: So you drag us to some dinky diner and you expect us to pay for our food? That is a whole new level of asinine. Cosmo: Just shut up and hear me out! We're a community, and we need to keep that factoid as strong as it needs to be. Delta: Isn't it strong enough already? I've practically got all the women attending my bookclub, and the only ones that can't are usually working around the meeting times. Allison: I could vouch for that. Cosmo: That's not enough. We need to make sure things stay normal, well, normal in a relative sense. Last thing we need is to be thrown in some alternate dimension, or be taken over by sentient garden worms or, heck, our county swaying to the other party- Mike: Don't put that thought into our heads. It's bad enough this was the only state to not vote for Reagan. We're right across from the only other inhabited area above the Northwest Angle, and we don't need any yuppies with their de- Amber: Enough, please! Can't we just have one meeting without it resorting to a political conversation? Victoria: I for one enjoy the company of good friends. I'm just happy we could all get together no matter what, it's so peaceful- Boris: Miscreants! (everyone groans) Cosmo: Who invited this butthole?! Geoff: He must've followed us! Hanneke: I don't get it, I put it in his coffee. (it cuts to the Slaatsky house. Mercury sees a cup of coffee.) Mercury: Mmm, a pickup. (Mercury drinks the coffee.) Mercury: Hm, sweetener? Britney: Hey, you finished with that? I think Anita needs a pick-up. (it cuts to Anita sleeping on the floor) Boris: How dare you not invite me for breakfast! Kerry: What? So you could lecture and embarrass us for the sake of teaching us a lesson? Boris: You do it too! Kerry: Yeah but I make it look cool. Boris: I get me, but what makes my wife so appealing? Hanneke: I don't intend to throw my life away just to feed your ego, and I don't intend to turn my kids into cowardly robots. Boris: So that's how it's gonna be? You capitalists! Lars: You're turning this into a late-50s PSA? That is weak. Harold: Face the facts has been, you're not in Russia anymore, the land you came from isn't part of Russia anymore and your principals aren't part of Russia anymore. Come to think of it, how much of an American are you? Boris: What makes you more American than me? Laney: We were born in areas that weren't added until a few years after Tito was born. Boris: Oh bite your tongue, you pretend that Massachusetts doesn't exist. Cosmo: No no, idiot, no, Massachusetts is an urban legend cooked up by George McGovern to make him feel as if someone in America cared about him. He's a loser, and Nixon drove that point right into his sorry behind. Boris: I take it you have something against Alaska too? Cosmo: It's not on American soil. Boris: You can't all be in and around the prime forty eight. Cosmo: Where else would we be from? Boris: That's something I should be learning, now spill it, all of you. Cosmo: Okay, I'm from West Bend Wisconsin. Ned: Lima Ohio Levi: Lander Wyoming Bob: Anderson Missouri Enid: Lowell Arkansas Hanneke: Rapid City South Dakota Tito: Statenville Georgia Lars: Delhi New York, I mean I guess, was born there after my dad had enough of the south. Edgar: Wahpeton North Dakota Delta: Dover-Foxcroft Maine and my children were born there. Amber: I moved to Eastport. Luther: Vernon Texas Laney: El Reno Oklahoma Dallas: Milford Delaware Autumn: Provo Utah Robert: Preston Idaho Jerv: Kalispell Montana, the accent fooled you all I'm sure. Preston: Carlisle Pennsylvania Andy: Safford Arizona Chris: Aztec New Mexico Mike: Fernley Nevada Geoff: Boonton New Jersey Charlie: Howell Michigan Dakota: Brownville Oregon Martha: Derry New Hampshire Harold: North Concord Vermont Augustus: Crestview Florida Margo: Warsaw *takes out megaphone* Indiana Rosey: Junction City Kansas Trish: Castle Rock Colorado Allison: Westminster Maryland Chelsea: Martinsburg West Virgina Veronica: Princeton Kentucky Candy: Bristol Tennessee Celia: Houma Louisiana Marcy: Meridian Mississippi Lu: Freeport Illinois Damien: Wetumpka Alabama Janet: Kearny Nebraska Kerry: Yuba City California Boris: To think you give me flak for being from Alaska, you're from some of the lamest states ever, even the lamest areas from the good states. Yet here I am, a citizen. Edgar: You didn't sign the paperwork, you're no true Alaskan native, you probably lived under a building in Anchorage until you decided to come here. Amber: Besides, Alaska is technically on Canadian soil, and before you say it only one part of Minnesota is on Canadian soil, and that part is also beneath the Northwest Angle, so, *raspberry* Boris: At least I decided to spend my time in a cool place, away from the narrow districts. I'm surprised you didn't take in anyone from Virginia. Cosmo: Virginia? Sick. Dallas: Perhaps if you changed your tune you'd be a lot happier, heck, someone might even work up the courage to start a conversation with you, and not have it be part of an argument. Boris: I'm happy as is, that's why I is as is. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get ready for the parade. Candy: A parade!? Fun! Boris: Yes, the welcome all march. Candy: Not fun! Victoria: What is that exactly? Kerry: Every year they host a parade trying to bring awareness to social issues that've either been resolved or aren't as bad as they were in the past. Mike: For me it's a pain in the butt just tying to get to work. Boris: Perhaps you all should join, there'll be plenty of time for you to complain about your working class woes, who cares about the rest of the world, US number one. Cosmo: Let us enjoy our breakfast please... Boris: Late not. (Boris leaves.) Laney: The nerve of that guy. Hanneke what do you see in him anyways? Hanneke: Nothing, I'm just waiting for a divorce plan that'll grant me full custody of the kids. Enid: Why does Boris act like he's above all of us? Chris: Something tells me he's no fan of the south. Martha: We just make more money than him, I mean I guess, how much money does he get in his line of work?